Blog #25

I’m gonna do it. I’m gonna commit to it. I’m done. need to actually do this. I don’t want to end up like Everett. Even though my dad is dead, if he was sober he wouldn’t want me to be like this. Even so i’m gonna do it for myself and for my dad. Btw fuck mom. I’m gonna be better than this. Sound kinda cliche but I really want to do this. Maybe i’ll feel safer knowing that there are people like me. Like being equal. Again its something that I might feel which is equality. I lost so much and maybe if I didn’t wast my time drinking I could be making moves. Maybe getting a job again and grind for college. Again its gonna be rough but I’ve endured more. It isn’t the first time I’ll give up and lose something. At this point I’m used to it.

Blog #24

I went to sleep and my group chats are blowing up and when I got up and check everyone is saying that Everett is dead. Yeah my boy is dead. They said that he drank and did cocaine. Maybe this is a sign. To just stop. I’m not gonna that should’ve been me I hate my life. Maybe he died his accidental death is telling me that I can change now. Fuck who knows if I can do it doesn’t hurt to try. Still contemplating. I can do it myself, I just need the right “pattern” to stop drinking. I’ll go once just to see what’s it like other than that fuck I won’t go anymore. It’s gonna be a rough one but I know it’ll be worth. Now that I think about it I rather have control of my senses that alcohol.

Blog #23

I’m legit going crazy, I want to stop but I can’t help myself, I’m sweating bullets. I stay up all night just craving. I can’t stop. I’m gonna take a shower just to cool off a little bit and maybe watch TV or play on pc to distract me. I feel like shit. Words cant describe it. 

Guess who called. my mother after all this time she calls and ask if i’m alright. Why didn’t this bitch ask me that months ago. Has she lost it. This is why I drink. I constantly lose connection to close ones as a result I don’t feel safe. You know what fuck this. I’m gonna go back to drink who’s gonna stop me. Exactly no one. Gonna go around the block to the liquor store and cop me. 

Blog #22

So I looked into Al-Anon and its kinda stupid lol. You’re probably thinking why I said this well I don’t care about other people. Just wanna cure myself cause I ain’t tryna die ya feel me. Why should I listen to other people talk. I’ll just try doing it myself starting now. Gonna throw out all bottle at the house. Oh shit its snowing and guess what is also 15 degrees so im gonna get my jacket. I’ll be back

My addiction is bad how do I know this well, when I was taking the trash out one of the bottles fell out and I can’t help myself but to take a small sip. It’s hard to explain to someone who is not addicted but I crave the flavor of it.

Blog #21

I got discharged from the hospital. So exhausted. But forreal tho I think I’m gonna hit rehab cause I low key know this shits getting a outta hand but how can I let it go. I’m giving up something that makes me feel who good. Where do I start? Actually I remember that my dad’s colleague told him about therapy but I doubt that’ll do anything. Because the therapist isn’t me so how does he know how and what I feel. Like its low key kinda bullshit and I feel like its a scam. So I just looked online and I can also detox by myself but knowing myself that gonna be hard so i’m not gonna do that. Also I don’t have money for rehab so fuck that. Then I heard this thing called Al-Anon. I don’t know i’ll look into more.

Blog #20

Alright so the doctor told me what happened and I think need to share with you guys. So basically from last night I. Alright I’m gonna start by saying that I go into a car accident. So they also told me that my car got totaled and another car hit my side of the car, as a result that’s what cause my broken legs and my arms. Also it was raining that night I was driving on the highway back and my car hydroplaned and I hit a guard rail. Then another car hit my car. You know whats crazy not could I have died but this all happened  in a split second. Shit what have I done. Maybe I’ll just go back to smoking weed but I don’t feel the same when drinking booze. Like booze makes me feel warm and I like that. I deadass need to chill. Actually now that I think about it i’ll just stop when this happens again then I’ll know that’s when its time to stop. So i’m just gonn live in the moment as of now.

Blog #19

What happened? I just work up in a hospital. Oh shit yo wtf. My legs are broken. Like forreal what happened. I’m need the doctor, theres a nurse not too far I’m gonn try to get her attenion. Ok hes gonna come. You know what’s stupid. When I was calling there like ‘Oh hes awake what should we do’, get the fucking doctor like how hard is it. My arms and legs are in fucking pain, it hurts to move it. Damn, I think took things for granted. Didn’t know that you need your arms more than your legs. I’m always on some stupid shit but this is next level. Where is this doctor at. Hellooo I need help here.

Blog #18

I’m not gon front this party is wack. But it don’t matter. There’s bitches and booze. That’s all that matters right now. Been drinking od. Is it just me or does this feel to good to be true. I ahven’t been surrounded by the people I know for a long time now that there’s free bottles you best believe I’m drinking til sun up. You guys know how I’ve been drinking several bottles a day. We finna turn that shit up and you know what I’m gonna make this the best of it because for me doing shit like this is so rare like people wearing Rolex ya dig. That’s a shit analogy but what I’m trying to say it’s hard for something like this to come by for me since I’ve been depressed. I’m gonna have another bottle, oh shit Laura is here too? Might just have to hit on her. We friends but I know we can be more than that. Not gonna lie I’m probably talking out of my ass cause i’m so out of it. This is what I’ve been longing for. Just to be around people and drink all the booze.

Blog #17

So can’t find the place lol. This piece of shit app is telling me that this the location but I don’t see no party. Fuck Apple maps. I’ll just ask Everett to send me his location when he gets there. So while that happens I’ll tell ya’ll what happened on the way coming here. So I was driving on the highway just reminscing about my family when it was one. Then this retard stops in the middle of the highway. I don’t know why but I had to swerve ya feel me. Almost hit another car but he literally just stopped. It’s not like he slowed down or anything. He just hit the brake and was like nah im just gonna chill here. Anyways Everett just said that hes close to the place. Can this man hurry up like I need to just chill. Been so overwhelmed by this bullshit.

Blog #16

I just woke up and I’m feeling like hammered shit. I said A drink but it ended up being 4. I’m gonna take a shower and go out just to clear my mind. Just want to feel free. All the events that has happened throughout this past month tore me apart because it feels like I’m carrying a burden. I say burden because of all these experiences that I have. 

Yeooo so my boy texted me saying there’s a party, I need something occupy me other than my depression. You know what this shit finna be lit. It has everything that I want bitches, weed, bottles, and the boys. Oh man I am looking forward to this shit. Finally in a long time I haven’t been happy. Also I’ve been feeling less than other people ebcause I’m constantly losing something but maybe this party will take me out of that. I need a break from that shit. But what if they look at me different a person so.

Blog #15

A week later and nothing has changed life is treating me just as shitty as any other day. We just had a funeral for my dad a couple of weeks ago and I left college. No , its not because I’m retarded. I couldn’t pay for mu tuition. I don’t get why do they make college a necessity but advertise it as luxury. Fuck, I need to graduate make some real money. I don’t want to be working at McDonald’s or a grocery store for the rest of my life. I want a stable source of income. Money isn’t only the issue. Things that I hold close has left me. Now I’m all alone. I deadass need a drink right now. Maybe I’ll order Chinese with and just save the rest. I’ll need to ask my mom for some money while I look for a job.

Blog #14

Today I wanted to have A drink but I ended drinking 5 I passed out and just woke up. It’s 8:30pm. I’ve been thinking a lot lately. Is it my fault for not helping him. I come home and see him broken every. Single. Day. I’m so fucking stupid I could’ve prevented him from dying but I’m to selfish sulking in my own problems. I’ve been struggling to find a job at the same time. My life is honestly falling apart. Not to mention I go back to school in a week and I still need to pay for registration for my next semester. 1) I don’t know how I can get enough money from now until classes start, 2) My dad just fucking died, and 3) I my mom feels awful for be apart of his death. Actually I still haven’t called her about it yet I’m about to do that now.

Blog #13

Before my parents split, my mom once told me that used to go to the bar in Astoria and while I was driving around the neighborhood I remember the bar that he goes too. I stormed in looking for him and he wasn’t there. I showed the bartender a picture of the family from my wallet and the bartender pointed at the bathroom. When I walked in and checked he wasn’t there. Then I was like OK where is the fuck. I peeked under the stall and recognize his shoes and when I opened the door there was a needle stuck in his arm and he just sat there on the toilet. I shook him and he was unresponsive. I checked his pulse and he was dead. I called 911 and they took him away. Later that night I went home feeling unsatisfied. Now I’m actually alone. Will this make me got crazy, I have been through so much. God I need a drink.

Blog #12

It’s the same shit again, I can’t go to bed. Just lost my job, don’t even know where my dads at, and parents are getting divorced. There just too much going on. Wait, I remember that there is another bottle in the fridge. Maybe my dad took it, I’ll check anyways. Ahhh just took a sip and this feels nice. This might just be my new best friend. 

I feel like Stephen Hawking, like I’m sitting here like a blob. So many thoughts are racing through my mind right now. OK. I can’t blame my dad this shit is good. Speaking of which where is this sack of shit anyways. I should really go check but the keys are sooo far away. I’ll just sit here for another few minutes before getting up. Just wanna chill for a bit before finding him.

Blog #11

Damn I need a new fucking job ASAP. Dunkin and UPS was like nah we good go find some other place. So I’m gonna try Door Dash. My friend also said that I won’t make a lot of money because one of his friends drove around for five hours and made like twenty dollars. I just need money but its also a waste of time. Just sitting there I mean cmon. That shits wack. It is what it is. Might just take it to make money int he mean time while I search for another job. Now that I think about it it’s almost 12, where’s my dad at? Meh hes prolly on his way home or hes just sleeping at the bar again. I’m pretty tired, need to wake up early to look for jobs. I also might get into the resell business because I heard people say that shit makes bank.

Blog #10

Its been a few days since I last posted but I got fired from work. Had too many write ups but honestly fuck that place. The people sucked their anyways. I’ll just find another one maybe at Dunkin Donuts, UPS or another grocery store. Forgot second semester begins in January 23rd. I’m gonna need a job quick because I don’t know how I can stay if I don’t have the money to pay for tuition. I mean I can just ask my dad but hes burning it away to get drunk. He’s prolly gonna make some excuse saying that he doesn’t have enough but I know damn well he does. Some might see me as a retard for not stopping him but if I take it away hes just gonna moan and cry. That shit is annoying cause that problem is between him and mom so its none of my business. I like it when things are quiet because it helps me think.

Blog #9

Well I had a shitty night and I don’t want to get up. What time is it? Oh shit its 9 I’m about to be late for work. Should I go? I mean it does pay for my food. I’ll just go I rather be doing something else than to stay in this shit hole. I low key kinda regret what I said about leaving dad after all it must be painful too see someone you love leave you. I still also haven’t shown him the divorce paper because there hasn’t been a good time to. He’ll know one way or another. Whether it’s my mom trying to contact him about it or me telling him or something. It’s inevitable its only a matter of time. How should I go about it? I’m in a pretty shit position. Oh shit I still got to get to work. But before I leave just want to say that life is honestly hot ass and I would trade it for anything at this point.

Blog #8

Last night felt good and it wasn’t a mistake. This feeling is something that I can’t get from anything else. I hate to getting emotional but it wasn’t something I haven’t felt in a very long time which was being comfortable in my skin. At end of each day I come home to no one. A dad who is so devoted to alcohol forgets who his own son is. Can’t blame him if it helps him cope then I’m gonna let him rock cause it makes me feel the same way. Not only in the house work has been stressful too. My boss has been giving me a lot of shit lately because because she thinks that I’m always tired and shit but I ain’t. Just depressed because I don’t know what to do. Like I have no say in any situation.

Blog #7

I can’t stop. Thoughts are constantly racing. I tried sleeping but I ended up staring at the ceiling just thinking about all the possibilities that could happen. I tried playing games to tire myself out but it doesn’t work. Damn all this thinking got me hungry, let me think whats there to eat. I got milk, over night pasta, yogurt. Forgot to buy food again, shit, I’ll just make cereal whatever. But while making food I find a beer bottle just siting on the shelf of the fridge. I cracked it open and took a few sips. I don’t know why but it makes me feel warm and overtime relived like being stress free. I started to get ideas such as packing my things right now and leave. Although I hate my dad right now for not supporting me, hes still my dad and I would feel guilty for leaving him. To be honest, I’m probably just running my mouth and by tomorrow none of this will mean anything.

Blog #6

I was late to work but luckily I didn’t get fired. However I came home to some bad news. My mother sent my father a divorce letter, how should I tell him. Why would she?I have this feeling of denial and not being whole. Scenarios and other thoughts are running through my head. I feel less than equal I don’t know why. When people find out will they look at me different? I can’t remember the last time my parents spent time together. That got me all types of fucked up. My dad is pretty useless all he does after he comes home from the bar is just crash leaving me alone. My mom honesty did some dirty shit. Divorce really separating would’ve fucked me up to but denouncing your marriage just makes me feel uneasy. When I get enough money I’ll just cut them off and I never want to speak to them again. A mother who hardly calls her son and a father who comes home drunk every day and don’t even hangout with me. Whats the point sticking around when I get older if this issue prolongs

Blog #5

So I woke up on the beach not knowing what the fuck happened but there was a pit that was burnt out so I’m gonna assume that we were out here chilling. My head is pounding like a bitch.  Oh shit there’s od bottles everywhere what happened here? Wheres my car!? I’ll let you guys know when I things straight.

OK so the car was parked where last left it which is across the street from the house but as I was looking for my car my phone was blowing up with calls and texts. There’s a few from my dad and from work. I need to get to work or else I’m gonna get fired.

Blog #4

Dad. Shut the fuck up you and mom always yelling over the phone can you take that shit outside my god. Anyways so a while ago I asked my friend for a fake ID because weed isn’t as fun as it used to be. Like the first couple time when I hit it that shit was fun. I was raised with no alcohol in the house so I hardly ever drink but now think this fake ID ima cop all type of drinks. 

Oh I just got a text saying that there’s a party somewhere in Little Neck need a break from my dad cause I can’t stand him complaining half the time after he hangs up the phone. So i’ll just tell him that im gonna take my girl out for dinner. So I’ll talk to you guys later and keep you updated for the next day.

Blog #3

So I just got home and I forgot that no one is home. I currently stay with my dad because my parents have their differences and they just want time apart from each other. My dad is at work and he usually don’t get home ’til 12 am because he goes to the bar in the city. I know because when he knocks out on the couch I can smell the alcohol off his clothes. When they argue I just play on my pc or blast my music to drown out their arguments cause that shit can get annoying at times. I don’t know what to do should I go out? Kinda don’t want to stay in the house and do nothing. Wait I’ll just call my boys over and see if they wanna cyphe then we can get food. Sometimes I think I might be the reason why they argue so much because we hardly have enough money to pay for bills and plus I’m going to college so I wonder if I get in the way of all of that because that just means that they have to pay more. Who knows maybe its just between them. Ok just got a text from my friends and it looks like we made moves. Gonna wait for them to pull up now.

Blog #2

My car broke down and all I want to do is just go home ya feel me. But I can’t because I’m waiting for the tow truck to pull up. Ya’ll prolly wondering why do I need to rush home break just started? Well I’m exhausted, just yesterday I was studying my ass off for my econ final. So my class have 3 tests and it makes up 90% of my grade and the other 10% is attendance so I needed to do well because I barely passed the first one and I failed the second so getting at least a B+ or higher will allow me to keep my scholarship.  Shit! I almost forgot I have work later at 5 and it is 2 right now should I skip? I’m pretty tired but I need the money. Decisions…..

It been an hour and I don’t know where this fucking tow truck is. I called them 3 times and they said that he’ll be here soon but hes obviously not here. Work is pretty wack too sometimes customers say stupid shit before I scan their food. Just so you know I work at a grocery store. So sometime when I scan their food they would stand their and say that there’s a discount but in reality there isn’t or they would give fake coupons. This is so troublesome because I have to get my manager or else these old fucks won’t leave.

Blog #1

Aight so this is my last week of classes before Christmas break and I need to start studying for my finals. I’m not doing so hot but I need these grades to keep my GPA because If I have over a 3.0 I can keep my scholarship. Where I’m from we’re basically broke. Like we ain’t got money for shit. I work at a minimum wage job and the people here just suck. I need the money but it affects my grades in school because when I come home I just crash or just don’t feel like doing anything. Like I would set an alarm to wake up early to do assignments and then wake up and say I can sleep for a few minutes. But ya’ll funny if you think I was gonna wake up and do shit. Classes start early for me because I need the rest of the day for work so I wake up close to 9 everyday and drive to my campus.

Sometimes I reminisce about the times in high school. Because I don’t do jack shit and all I do is hangout. Now I ain’t got time for that because I need the money for food and just stuff in general